Supporting a survivor
What survivors want you to know…
- We often take a lot of responsibility for the abuse. Telling us it is not our fault may help to lessen the guilt of shame, but it can’t take it away.
- We deal with a lot of shame. Please don’t shame a survivor. It is the pattern we are trying to break.
- The healing process for a survivor may take years. We may be in and out of therapy several times. New memories may surface, and new experiences may trigger us.
- People who are survivors are often caretakers. It is a survival technique. It takes a long time to unlearn that behavior.
- Survivors often resent being judged. We have judged and punished ourselves for years. We are usually harder on ourselves than anyone else can be.
- People who are survivors don’t want your pity.
- Don’t try to excuse the abuser’s behavior.
- Don’t categorize survivors. Each case of abuse, although it may be similar, is a unique case. We don’t all follow the same pattern of healing or behavior.
- Not all survivors have clear memories of the abuse or assault. We may need to deal with that lack of memories on a regular basis.
- Even if we are safe now, we still may be fearful of our attacker or abuser.
- Talking about it means “breaking the secret.” Many of us are faced with the terror of “breaking the secret” every time we talk about the abuse.
- If a survivor chooses to talk to you about the abuse or assault, and you are uncomfortable about it, please say so. Let the survivor know you aren’t uncomfortable with them, only the issue. Then offer to find someone who is comfortable with the issue.
- Please don’t ask a survivor to forgive and forget. First of all, there is nothing we would rather do than be able to forget. But we can’t--we have to learn how to deal with it.
- Don’t say, “Just forgive him and let it go.” Or “Why try to dig up the past?” Survivors aren’t trying to dig up the past just for your sympathy or attention. This is a life-changing event and it can have serious consequences if it is not thoroughly dealt with. We can’t forget the trauma. We need to face the pain so we can leave it there and move toward a better future.
- Please don’t ask a survivor if we are done dealing with it yet. That is a shaming question. The process of healing may take an entire lifetime.
The above was adapted from a list in the Minnesota Coalition Against Sexual Assault/Training Manual.
Recommended Resources:
